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10/12/2002: "My Journey"

“Why now of all times?” I am asked this question quite often. People think it is as if my decision to adopt Judaism was made within the wake of September 11th. How do I explain to them, in less than two minutes, so that they will understand what it has taken me a lifetime to realize? Most people give me a strange look when I tell them that I “need” to do this. They incorrectly assume that I am marrying someone who is Jewish. Very few understand when I tell them how I came to this point in my life. Throughout my life I have seen and experienced so much pain and suffering inflicted upon the world. I felt as though I could not believe in a g_d that would allow such things to happen to children and other innocents. But the question is why have a chosen a faith, not why have I rejected one. I was raised Catholic. I was baptized, made my first penance, my first communion and was confirmed. Most of my other friends were either Catholic or Christian until I entered junior high school. It was there I had my first encounter with Judaism. I became close friends with Hillary Epstein. We were inseparable. Each year, the family would invite me over to a Passover Seder. At that time Judaism seemed like something fun and full of tradition. It was something my family did not seem to have. I had thought about conversion back then, but all I knew of Judaism was Passover, Matzo and Fiddler on the Roof. I also knew that my parents would not allow me to convert so I put the thought in the back of my mind. About three years ago I met and became good friends with Rabbi David. He he teaches a class in Kabala. At this point in my life I considered myself to be an Atheist, but I enjoyed learning about different religions. While living in Illinois, I invited David to come out and teach his class to my new friends. We held the it in my home. I found the class very interesting. I was learned all sorts of new things. Some things that I learned were continuations of things that I had learned as a child in catechism. One of the things that we discussed was meditation. David took us through one and there was a moment of silent meditation. I was lying there, just relaxing, expecting nothing. Then it happened. I heard a “voice” (for lack of a better word) in my head. It said, “It is ok to hate me. I will be here when you are ready.” I realized at that moment that it wasn’t that I didn’t believe in G_d, it was that I was angry with Him for all of the pain I, and others, had endured. I was excited and sad and confused all at the same time. I could not wait for the class to end so I could discuss all of these new thoughts and questions with David. We spent hours and yet I still had more questions. I needed to see what step I wanted to take next. I started out by keeping the Sabbath. I did not go to temple, but each Friday night, I took the time to do something special, something to separate the spiritual from the mundane. There were times it was something as simple as laying down and watching a movie that meant something to me or spending some time writing to friends. I wanted to do something that I would not normally take the time to do. Then I started to go to Temple. I was overwhelmed at first. I had only been to Temple a few times for my girlfriends’ Bat Mitzvahs. It had been many years. Despite all of that and the language barrier, I have never been in a place that I felt as welcome. It just felt so right. I began looking forward to Friday nights like I never had before. I knew that on Fridays, I would sit back and reflect on the week. I would greet Shabbat as a bride. Then each week, I began to look forward to the silent prayer. At first, I would cry. I was not sure why. Then it occurred to me that it was part of my healing. I was in a place where I felt that I could be myself and be accepted. The tears became freeing, cleansing. Now, I thank G_d for everything. There is no more asking why. Finally, this past spring, I told G_d that I loved Him. Again, I cried, realizing that He was there, when I was ready. I find that most people are very interesting in what I am doing. There have been a number of nights that I have spent with my friends, talking for hours about Judaism. They know I am not trying to convert them. They are genuinely interested in hearing what I have to say. Judaism is my passion. I have taken three levels of Hebrew. I get excited when I can read a new word. I had been walking in New York and I was able to read the word Israel printed on a storefront and it had no vowel marking. I started jumping up and down in the street. I have taken two classes in Kabala. Each time I learn something new. I am amazed at what I remember. Again, with all that the classes offer, it makes me want more. I am amazed how things come up in real life that relate and I am always the first to tell someone exactly how. I attended a seminar on Kabalistic prayer and healing. It was very moving. I invited a friend to come with me. We spent the next few hours after the class discussing all we had learned. We were both amazed and enlightened. I have celebrated a full cycle of holidays. I have fasted for Yom Kippur. I have made potato latkes for Chanukah. I lit my first menorah to celebrate the holiday as well. I have tried to keep the spirit of each holiday and holy day in my home. It gives me great pleasure to light Shabbat candles on a few occasions. I plan to light them more often. It has taken me thirty-three years to come to this point in my life. If it had taken a hundred years it would have been worth it. I know that my learning has just begun. I look forward to each new lesson. I could write pages and pages about my newfound joy in life, my new faith. I will sum it up in one sentence. “Your people shall be my people and your G_d shall be my G_d.”